Got an interview this Saturday ...which is a good thing .... but again , don't put much hope in it ....
and spoke with a friend who had another arguement with her husband .... alas ! What can a friend do to help ? only listen to her complaints .... sometimes , what we women need is simply a good listener .... not an adviser ... some people , some men , for example , one of my special male friend doesn't understand this ....
Was thinking to go swimming this evening with a friend ....... but a student decided to show up for the class..... Well, it's good I guess , because I am taking a vacation next month ...so it's good for me to make more money .....
then chatted with a "none - friend " friend , honestly , I think he likes to pretend , pretend to be someone who he thinks he is ... as he is not sure what he wants ... .... and he is not clear-headed .... we are pretending ...and more importantly , we are using each other to feel better , to feel normal ...... He might not admit this , but who cares what he thinks , we all have eyes and feelings , people believe what they see ... doesn't matter what reasons you try to give ..... it's not going to change your image in other's minds ..... unless you have made a HUGE HUGE change ......
a lot of people say to me that what he says is BULLSHIT ! and one friend said to me , " WHO are you TWO trying to fool ??" I didn't agree with him , then after I had a short meeting with this male friend , I have been trying to work out what this funny feeling was when I saw him..... First, I wanted to HIT him , SLAP him in his face ( I did tell him this today , and he told me , " you always want to hit me , what's new ? " ) F*CK ! ..... he is right about this ..... but am I too violent ? or just he is being so annoying that people want to hurt him..?? I admit that I am , I could be violent ...sometimes ..... Second , I wanted to cry ...... why? because of all the ugly , hurtful memorise ... because that I felt sorry for him.... sitting there looking afraid of something , looking as if he was trying to protect himself from me , (Am I that scary ? am I a dinosaur ? ).... perhaps he was .... which made me want to have my arms around him and kiss him ..... (but probably will slap him first before giving him a kiss ...ahh...I am a sick woman ..... help me ~! ) but was it love, or just sympathy ?
Be friends ? WHo are we trying to fool ? Why ? What is the point in doing this ? When we both claim that we can be honest with each other , but the truth is , we couldn't even answer each other 's questions directly .... it's like a silent war again , a competition between us , to see who will reveal their real identity first , to see who lives a better life than the other ..... we haven't quite been really open yet ......of course , we are not always be open with every friend we have , but ... for all the history we shared , I think we are pretty qualified with close friends ..... but I didn't feel that kind of close feeling that day , instead , I felt being rejected , pushed away ...there was a wall there alright , but who built up that wall , who should find a way to climb over it ....... it might be easier to find a reasonable explaination to rationalise our behaviors .... but why ? would it change anything ? would it make the situation better ?? I am forcing myself to be friend , and although he might disagree with what I say here , I think he is too ....
How can you see someone , you want to HIT him , but KISS him at the same time ??? How can you be with someone but think of other at the same time ?? even when the someone is , in fact, a better catch than the other .... and the most important is ........... WHAT THE F*** am I doing here ...writing this ... bullshit ..... WHAT IS wrong with me ??????? My period must be coming soon..... going to have to shave .............. I am losing my mind ....... and if you are reading this now ...... you must be CRAZY , too .... 
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