Tanya & Hua Loo Loo in Switzerland

(  my new phone - Nokia N95  )


In today's increasingly diverse, perpetually-connected world, there are almost as many kinds of cell phone users are there are phones themselves. While a person is not necessarily defined by the electronic devices they possess (and if you are, you may want to consider shifting your priorities), how you relate to your cell phone may say something about your personality. Here are a few of the more common archetypes.

The Minimalist

The Minimalist is most likely to own a cell phone out of necessity or grudging acceptance -- perhaps they're required to carry one around for work, or they've simply neglected to pay their land-line bills one too many times, and now can't so much as whisper the word "Qwest" without men in dark suits showing up ominously at their door and taking away all their furniture. They treat ownership of a cell phone as a nuisance at best, a pestilence at worst, and will answer it with barely contained disgust.

The Minimalist's phone is almost invariably the lowest-end model available, usually several years old, and often battle-scarred from being "accidentally dropped" on the floor, under moving vehicles, or from third-story windows. All the same, their cell phone is omnipresent, like chronic back pain or an alcoholic aunt -- there's no getting away from it.

The Gleeful Convert

In sharp contrast to the Minimalist, the Gleeful Convert's raging passion for their cell phone is so intense, it can often be dangerous to the mental well-being of those around her. While the Gleeful Convert may not have the most expensive, up-to-date cell phone in existence, she nonetheless knows every feature, ringtone, game, and function the phone has to offer, and is likely to tell you about it at length, regardless of whether or not you've asked. Her face is often hidden behind her camera phone as she snaps a few pictures; her attention is divided as she simultaneously carries on SMS conversations with you and three of her closest friends.

The buttons on the Convert's cell phone are usually worn through from constant text-messaging, and her ringtones of the "colorful" sort that could, with enough repetition, be used to extract information from obstinate enemy spies. On the bright side, you'll always know what to get her for her birthday -- since she wears phones out at an astonishing rate, she'll almost always be in need of a new one.

Benchmark

When it comes to comparison shopping, Benchmark is likely your strongest ally. Benchmark doesn't just own his cell phone -- he believes in it. Not only will he be intimately familiar with every feature his cell phone has to offer, he'll have a strong handle on how the features of comparable phones fail in comparison. When speaking with Benchmark, be prepared to produce your phone and, if he judges it and find it wanting, listen to a lengthy treatise on its many shortcomings.

On the other hand, Benchmark is the best person to consult when you're picking out a cell phone, as he'll always be ready to tell you what features you do and don't need. The most difficult thing about Benchmark is keeping up with him; he's likely to trade up early and often. One week, he'll be sporting his brand new Motorola Razr; by the time you get your hands on one of your own, he's already got a KRZR and is mocking you mercilessly for being so behind behind the times. Unless your passion for cell phones is as intense as Benchmark's, trying to keep pace with him may prove difficult.